You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
