I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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