I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
