You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
