I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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