Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
