Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
