explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
