His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Randomize
