You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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