While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
