and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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