In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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