So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
