I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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