bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
