operation harelip BJ is a go
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
