I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
