Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
