I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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