shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
