does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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