life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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