i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
