im about as happy as oj after his trial
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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