if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
