So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
