i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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