The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
