I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
