I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
