Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
