if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
