The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
