He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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