I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
