I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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