3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
