Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
