she woke up with a sticky ear
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
