bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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