just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
