Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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