Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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