he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
