So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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