My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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