I showed him my bush... on skype.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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