well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
