I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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